I’m Mad as Hell

I feel like we as a society don’t give anger enough credit. Anger can be an incredibly dangerous and painful emotion when channeled poorly (or not channeled at all) but, when wielded correctly, anger gets shit done. It’s like a hammer. A hammer can build a house but it can also bash in someone’s skull. It just depends on how you use it.

In the Before Times, I didn’t get angry much, probably because I had ways of dealing with anger. I could go to the gym and exhaust myself on the elliptical or lift heavy things and put them down again. Or, I could just drive around and scream-sing angry songs as loud as humanly possible, to a point of hurting myself, and punch my steering wheel a few times. Or, I could just leave the house, go to a place where I could be alone, and let all my rage boil off in peace.

But now I can’t do any of that. Now I’m trapped in a tiny house with 5 other people and paper-thin walls, where I am forced to be library-quiet 24/7. No music. No screaming. No going away to be alone for a few hours. There’s always an impending group chat message or a knock on my door.

So now I’m pissed off. All the time. And I have no useful outlets for my anger, so I’m turning to this blog, which is a decidedly useless outlet if there ever was one, but it’s either this or deliberately picking fights with my family just so I have someone to scream at.

30 Seconds Wasn’t Enough, John

It wasn’t enough for you then and it isn’t enough for me now.

During his first Last Week Tonight episode aired from the eggshell void he now supposedly lives in, John Oliver gave us all 30 seconds to be selfishly pissed off and disappointed about whatever we wanted to be. He chose soccer, which is fine I guess. At the time, my mom and I were smarting from a canceled Skeggs lecture that Bill Nye was going to host in Youngstown, so we used our 30 seconds for that.

To be honest though, I wasn’t done being pissed off when the timer went off then. Of course, things got a whole lot more real in the time following, so I politely compartmentalized that anger in favor of dealing with more pressing issues. Like not dying. That one topped the list.

Now that a few weeks have passed, however, I’ve realized that I forgot I left that particularly dish simmering, and now I’m pissed off all the time and don’t have a healthy means of venting that rage.

So, I’m just gonna do it here. In list form. And I’m going to take as much fucking time as I want, MR. OLIVER.

A Running Tally of All the Things I’m Pissed off About Right Now

  1. I’m still mad that the Bill Nye lecture got canceled.
  2. I’m sick of sharing a tiny-ass kitchen with five other people, one of whom is a compulsive baker.
  3. I hate working from home because my desk chair is uncomfortable and my family keeps bothering me about shit despite multiple written postings requesting they don’t do that during certain times of day.
  4. I’m pissed off that my plans to move to Cleveland for grad school are basically kaput now because if I did decide to start my master’s program now it would have to be done from home which QUITE LITERALLY defeats the entire purpose of getting a fucking master’s in the first place because I don’t even want another fucking writing degree I JUST REALLY WANT TO MOVE OUT OF THIS GODDAMN HOUSE.
  5. Are you seeing a recurring theme about how much I hate living at home because I really hate living at home and being stuck here 24/7 is only making things worse because at least BEFORE coronavirus I could work in coffee shops and spend as much time NOT at home as humanly possible BUT NOT ANYMORE.
  6. I hate how this whole coronavirus mess has really put my lack of a social life in the spotlight because people are pissing and moaning about not being able to see their friends but I don’t even have proper friends to miss.
  7. This was the year I finally boned up enough emotional fortitude to start transitioning BUT NOW ALL NON-CORONA MEDICAL PROCEDURES ARE BASICALLY CANCELED FOR THE YEAR.
  8. Coronavirus led to Gov. DeWine postponing the primary election and then Elizabeth Warren dropped out of the race so she quit before I could even fucking vote for her which is all I really wanted to do this election cycle.
  9. I’m a fat and untrustworthy blob of poor impulse control and heavy food motivation so I literally cannot control my eating habits so I’m just going to keep eating garbage and gaining weight while we’re under lockdown until I die and they have to extract me from this stupid house with a crane.
    • “Wow that sounds like something you should discuss with a therapist,” you say, to which I reply, “NO FUCKING SHIT, TOO BAD BETTERHELP DOESN’T TAKE INSURANCE!!!”
  10. While writing this blog post I was thinking about ordering takeout since previously mentioned compulsive baker is compulsively baking again but the Indian restaurant I just ordered food from last week on Grubhub apparently doesn’t deliver to my address this week.
    • And apparently neither does the other reasonably-healthy local restaurant I was hoping to try (because if I’m going to gorge myself on overpriced garbage I’d at least rather it be locally sourced).
  11. A former professor of mine and I are Facebook friends and all she does is complain about how horrible her son is and I’m getting so fucking fed up with how she treats him and trash-talks him on her extremely public platform (she’s locally famous) and then bemoans how defiant and unruly he is. He’s only living up to your expectations, you horrible mean woman!! I wouldn’t wanna please you, either!
  12. I’m SO fucking sick of social media and all its stupidity but if I cut myself off of it completely I will be even MORE alone than I already fucking am and I’m running out of things to look forward to in the morning.
  13. This whole blog posts feels so petty and stupid to write that the more I write it, the angrier I get with myself.
  14. I was really looking forward to getting a copy of Ring Fit Adventure once I’d saved up enough for a Switch but I had to put the Switch purchase on hold for a month because the fucking things sold out and I STILL can’t find a copy of Ring Fit that doesn’t cost twice the retail price.
  15. Being in this dusty and moldy and buggy fucking house 24/7 has really been aggravating my asthma and allergies so I’m wheezy and itchy all the time but there’s nothing I can do about it.
  16. I can’t even open my goddamn windows to let fresh air in because April decided that we’d had winter, but what about second winter?
    • Also I have a giant hole in one of my window screens that’s been there for at least a year now so I can’t open that window anyway, lest I let even MORE bugs inside.
  17. 2020 was supposed to be the year I could FINALLY stop sacrificing my time, energy, and money for the sake of my family/community/the greater good and actually focus on my own needs. My transition. My moving out. My maybe finally adopting a dog, which is all I really want more than anything, the way normal cis women want human babies. But then all this and nope. Another year of waiting. That makes 29 in a row now.
  18. Idiots in my community are not at all respecting the gravity of the situation we’re in right now so now I live in one of the two Ohio coronavirus hot spots.
  19. I’ve lost TWO family members in as many weeks and I don’t even feel like I deserve to grieve either loss because I wasn’t particularly close to either of them (I even outright didn’t like one of them) but I’m still sad for the people in my family who were close to them and there is literally nothing I can do about any of it.
  20. I’m doing more at work with less pay because I’m transitioning to full-time but I also got a coronavirus pay cut for at least the rest of spring and I feel like I don’t have the time or mental bandwidth to devote to all this extra work and training because I’m busy putting out corona fires left and right at home.
    • Despite this I feel like more of a drain on household resources than a contributing force?? COOL!
  21. EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH AND I JUST WANNA GET A HAIRCUT AND GO HIDE IN A LIBRARY FOR A FEW HOURS!!!!!!

Okay, Now What?

There was literally no point to this blog post. I’m just mad, there’s nothing I can do about it, and I’m tired, and now all my dirty laundry is aired for all to see. Or at least the dirty laundry I could think of right now.

Maybe the point of this post was to share that it’s okay to feel pissed off and disappointed and selfish right now. It’d probably be weird if we weren’t those things.

Does that mean all hope is lost? I mean, probably not, though I don’t feel especially hopeful right now. There is still good happening in the world. That fella from The Office has been nice enough to document some of it.

All I know is that right now, I’m pissed off. If Lizzo asked me how I’m feeling, I’d tell her I’m feeling mad as hell, for reasons that run the gamut from unquestionably stupid to arguably valid.

I’d normally suggest advice for coping with anger around here. I don’t really have any; if I had advice, I’d be using it for myself.

But, well, I made a list of things that have been pissing me off, and that helped a little. Maybe you could make your own Pissed List?

If you do, tell me how it goes in the comments. 👇

Being pissed off with no reasonable outlet sucks, but I hear misery loves company. So at least you’re among pissed off friends.

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